Sunday, May 31, 2009

The Omegans (1967)

1967 - The Omegans (Merit Productions Inc)

Producer/Director W. Lee Wilder Screenplay Waldon Wheeland Cinematography Herbert V. Theis Music Albert Elms Editor Anthony Lawson Special Effects Francis Rodker Assistant Director Francisco McLane Production Manager Vicente Nayve Sound Recordist Levy Principe Continuity Mary Abelardo Set Operation Francisco Balangue, Constantino Garcia Property Master Eduardo Urbano Wardrobe Vicente Cabrera Makeup Remy Amazan Hair Stylist Josephine Moreno

Cast Keith Larsen (Chuck), Ingrid Pitt (Linda), Lucien Pan (Valdemar), Bruno Punzalan (Oki), Joaquin Fajardo (Tumba), John Yench (McAvoy), Jeorge Santos (Clerk), Joseph De Cordova (Dr Salani), Lina Inigo (Singer)

Review from the Internet Movie Database:

This particularly low budget Willy Wilder Filipino feature casts Hammer horror star-to-be Ingrid Pitt as an unfaithful wife to Lucien Pan, who has to be the ugliest actor imaginable (so who could blame Ingrid for wanting to conspire against him with handsome co-star Keith Larssen)? At the core of this wildly bizarre quasi-sci-fi melodrama is the old-standard plot involving the cuckolded husband who discovers his unfaithful wife and her lover (his friend) are out to do him in -- and who eventually turns the tables on them. It's a very queer, campy film with a broadly hip score -- music which reinforces the kookiness of it all. Most theatergoers will be appalled by the film, but those able to keep tongue-in-cheek and are fans of the independent oddballs of the cinema may embrace "The Omegans" (though chuckling will be heard, no doubt). The Omegans themselves are a bit of a red herring, the real "demon" here being the tainted water that Pitt and Larssen are fooled to drink and bathe in (which ultimately poisons them). It should be noted that for actress Ingrid Pitt this film curiously forshadows her participation in Hammer's "Countess Dracula" (in which she portrays the true-life countess Elzbet Bathori who, among other atrocities, bathed in the blood of virgin girls presuming it to have the effect of restoring youth and beauty).

Here in "The Omegans" Pitt takes countless baths in the poisoned water, and age-makeup is used extensively grows more ill; in "Countess Dracula" Pitt would be taking baths and wearing age makeup again. A pattern? A stretch? Probably a weird coincidence...If the sci-fi element and exotic locations were removed from this film (along with Lucien Pan's horrid acting) one wonders whether the film's core plot element would have fared better against a more mundane background. That thought posed, it's only fair to say that the Philippine locations are easy on the eye, and while the film is clearly a misfire on practically all levels, it still entertains greatly on the due to its camp and mere obscurity. Look for some wacky scientists who seem more like dirty old men...Keith Larssen's costumes border on the "hello, sailor" type, and Lucien Pan's Filipino sidekick steals the show whenever he's around. One moment sticks out in my mind as being genuinely "good": having had her mirrors all smashed or removed, Pitt can not tell she is turning hideously ugly as the poisoned water does its trick and sits at the river's edge trying to see her visage in the moving water (to no avail). It's a clever touch (one of several), and touching at the same time (one develops pity for the character who first conspired to kill but now is the victim). One can only wish it were better, but it's fun for being as weird as it is!

Review from the Delirious Film website:

Safari guide Chuck looses snake (threat/mistrust of mediator to primal unconscious) on aging artist Valdemar (thwarted by traditional artist’s ally the self against Self) painting young wife Linda (fatal attraction to Beauty), capturing it restraining own phallic impatience (in oedipal affair w/ Linda [Val’s unfaithful muse], who "likes him but loves what Val stands for": guiding force split btwn attraction to world and vision + refinement); cut to Chuck’s business dinner w/ scientist-explorers (logical counterpart to artist Val w/ similarly questing bent) McAvoy + Salani (Yank + Kuala Lumpuri unison of consciousness + unconscious), latter recognizing Val from earlier association (he connection to primal memory) all joining in to journey to "forbidden waters" (oedipal rivalry for Chuck, uncharted psychic terrain for Val + occult knowledge for Mac + Sal) of the Black River (à la snake in grass: thanatos + enmity, water blood in similar arteries).

At END OF ROAD (conscious path [as dir’s career]), Valdemar’s headaches gone (sleep relaxing burden of consciousness), he waking in night to find Linda gone (END also of illusions about + need for her) + "fainted" in Chuck’s arms outside (he emerging from dark into light/awareness, fooled only for nonce); crew makes camp next day (repetitious mvmt à la Wilder’s Snow Creature, whose emergence similar to Val’s above) at waterfall crest of River (Fall also of man into Experience + corruption), which guide Tumba sez is cursed (Original Sin tainting blood, poison in water à la venom in snake), he falling victim (while filling canteen Chuck means for Val, T innocence perishing on oedipal drive) to blue light in water (deadly sperm à la opening snake in grass: man’s creative potential gone bad).

Drs McAvoy + Salani’s Geiger counter most active at falls (locus of psychic activity), where they see darting albinoid figures in brush (title race, primitive Origin similar END OF ROAD for civilized man undone by own instinctual passions), entourage packing after cremating Tumba (return to consciousness on disposal of subconscious link + readying descent to new psychic level on transcending physical self); back home (previous action predisposing material [in primal jungle] forming basis for dream to follow), Valdemar receives telegram (message from dreaming superego, aka Drew Gallery in Chicago – storehouse of unconscious images) commissioning new canvas (dream fodder) + he decides to return to waterfall (poisonous spring of creativity, which he left just as getting ready to paint: indie dir’s 8-yr absence from screen, Linda affirming he "turned out best work away from the studio" tho he worries it "just dsn’t seem to come off right").

Invited by Dr Salani to lab to view experiment (region of consciousness where particular mental process taking place), witnesses thirsty lab rat (lovers’ greed + own lowly impulsive self) drinking "forbidden" Black River water (illicit temptations), Chuck stopping by to shake Sal’s hand (he also having imbibed + driven to want more: addictive effect of transgression) + leaving phosphorescent residue (inevitable trail of evidence), Sal theorizing "Fountain of Youth" (Valdemar’s attraction to Linda atavistic desire for own idealized mother-origin: cf again dir’s late return to former inconstant muse).

At niteclub (internal location of unconscious revelry, similar to lab), notices glowing hand print on Linda’s back (intimation of carnal interest in exalted – + apparently untouched by him – ideal) + orders double whiskey (sudden thirst à la rat/Chuck’s, continuing need to inebriate self concurrent w/ quest for deeper knowledge: 1 + same in dream), thereafter tailing her to Chuck’s hotel (desire for primal scene [child’s witnessing of in flagrante parents recognition of own independence from Family Romance]), where he buys revolver (acquiring own phallus, coincidental w/ gaining knowledge traditional equation of phallus w/ consciousness) but declines to use it (overhearing scheme [on developmental stairway] use enough, gun instrument of awareness); back at lab (un/conscious quarters where he processes new info), observes glowing rat (own luminescent animal-self, having witnessed p-scene) + has martini, also drinking at home while grilling Linda (drink also illuminating her carnality) + determining to commercialize talent (now aware of own vulgarity: "Good or bad, give people what they want, so long as they pay the price for it" also message to Linda, Chuck + self concerning wages of sin).

Rat evaporates on death (contra Shakespeare’s "evil men do": dreamer’s transcendence of physical plane, phenomenon fantasy-replay of Tumba’s similar cremation), result of "omega" radiation (projecting self-terminality, film last in 64-yr-old dir’s 2-decade career) Salani guesses natives built up immunity twd (conjunction of primal + final ambiguity + satisfaction w/ nature-based "primitivism" reason for longevity [à la dir]), he + partner heading home now (psychic investigative work finished, they retired from consciousness) + Valdemar ditching gun on own way home (dismissing consc’ss again: work now to let "nature" take its course); new expedition (this time guided by "man" Oki vs Chuck’s condescending "boy" Tumba: maturation w/i consc’ss) back to Black River, where Val has Chuck take Linda out on raft (directing scene à la dir, film Wilder’s method of exorcising animus – by indulging it) under waterfall (poisonous quality of own anti-fertilization, depleting rather than fecundating).

At riverside assignation, Linda met this time by glowing native (emerging, again, à la Valdemar/Snow Creature, V having transferred i.d. completely to base primitive) + carried away (parody of erotic fulfillment) while Chuck subdues Oki w/ whiskey (by campfire, à la earlier Tumba: deteriorating mind in reiterative mode, "fire water" this time stopping short of killing – no defeating unconscious now) + Val initiates search (concurrent desire to bring to consciousness; not primal scene this time but anima abducted by lower urges), Chuck finding her inexplicably abandoned (point not in loss but absconding: illustrating inner, psychic activity); lovers continue degenerating (loss of ability to unite masculine + feminine qualities [Chuck physically removed, on mission for supplies] i.e. commercial + artistic and un/conscious, Linda/Ingrid Pitt’s deterioration foretelling later Countess Dracula), Val refusing Linda her makeup case (determination to see unvarnished truth, valise à la artist’s oil kit [film similarly becoming more compelling as dir drops cinematic niceties + lets venom work thru]) + breaking mirror (distancing from reality: truth internal, not ex-), wife unmasking painting (allowed only to see his interpretation of her: sole reality in dream, art seemingly engendering her decline) + shrieking Dorian-Gray moment of self-revelation.

Oki shoots disfigured, returning Chuck, who accidentally shoots Linda (apocalyptic mind collapsing on self as characters/archetypes revealed for what they are [luminescent deaths; cf similar conclusion to dir’s ‘51 Phantom from Space]) + Valdemar slashes canvas (film collapsing on self as well: graphic depiction of dir cashing in chips in terminal production) while entourage watches (witnessing barbarous Western Man’s self-immolation [Herzog-like commentary on imperialism à la similarly covetous Chuck sending Tumba to his death then eating his dinner] mind observing own disintegration, dissolving bodies dreamer’s physical connection to world), camera zooming in on mournful Oki (uncorrupted soul of film) just before he disappears into bush w/ fellowmen (return of spirit to nature, film also senior-aged filmmaker’s document of own purifying dissolution + demise; cf ending to Wilder’s ‘56 Manfish, Phantom + Pretender, gathering of witnesses key also to Killers from Space awa Fright conclusions), leaving artist isolated + ruined, nature triumphant, at night + in middle of jungle – what an end to a career!

Michael Weldon review in Weldon (ed), The Psychotronic Encyclopedia Of Film, New York, Ballantine Books, 1983, p.529

An extremely obscure horror/science-fiction film. A strange tribe is immune to radioactive water that causes disfigurement and life after death. An artist makes his wife and her lover pose in the water. It stars horror queen Ingrid Pitt and Keith Larsen.

Supercock (1975)

1975 - Supercock (Audio Films Specialists Inc/ Hagen-Wayne Productions Inc/The Superchicken Co)

[also released as “Fowl Play”, “Superchicken” and “A Fistful of Feathers”]

Director Gus Trikonis Story Gus Trikonis, Leland Lando Lilly Screenplay Michael Laton Producer Ross Hagen Executive Producers for Audio Films Specialists Inc Lettie B. Soriano, Fred C. Soriano Jr Associate Producers Jorge B. Vargas, Miguel L. Lorza Executive Producer for Hagen-Wayne Productions Inc Gail Wayne Associate Producer Anthony J. Lorea Producers Representation for AFS/HWP Miguel L. Lorza Music Tito “Soto”/Sotto Cinematography Fred C. Soriano Jr Editor Gervasio I. Santos First Assistant Director/Executive in Charge of Philippine Production Fred Galang Titles Roman Arambula Assistant to the Producer Russ Tinsley Production Manager Bien David Production Supervisor Eric Lidberg Wardrobe Design Claire Hagen Assistant Director Dick Adair Script Coordinator Hernan Robles Assistant Editor Rudy Cabrales Sound Effects Editor Antonio Gonzalez Public Relations Hilda Galang Production Secretary Roupert Sese Schedule Master Tony Ramos Transportation Manager Ted Favis Mr Hagen’s Jewellery Dante

Cast Ross Hagen (Seth Calhoun), Nancy Kwan (Yuki Chan), Tony Lorea (G.I. Joe), Subas Herrero (Seeno Nono), Joonee Gamboa (Speeno Nono), Louie Florentino (Heeno Nono), Eric Lidberg (Swede), Charlie “Davad”/Davao (Spaniard), Joe Garcia (Yaso the Turk), Logan Clarke (Cocknapper), Marissa Fernandez (“Tinikling” Dancer) Friendly the Supercock (himself) Goons Cricket Lorza, Johnny Vicar, “Frank”/Franco Zarate, Rene Roque, Johnny Rio, Rolan Montes, SOS Daredevils The Children Roderick Paulate, Dawnie Soriano, Fred Soriano III, Yvette Soriano

Review from the Brains On Film website:

Don't run away kids, this one was also released as SUPERCHICKEN and (yeesh) FOWL PLAY , so it's not about someone's filthy sinful tallywhacker, we wouldn't stoop to that sort of thing on this site. Heck no, this movie's about that wholesome, misunderstood OTHER sport of kings. Yep it's a cockfighting movie. Not to toot our own horns or anything but while everyone else is doing their umpteenth Fulci or Argento review, who else but us is writing about chicken-sploitation?

Anyhow, I myself find cockfighting kinda stupid but I've consumed way too many hot-wings in my lifetime to really be offended by it, so lets just strap in and enjoy the ride. And what a ride it will be since SUPERCOCK is another masterpiece from the Greek and geek tandem of Gus Trikonis and Ross Hagen, the same team that brought us biker flicks THE HELLCATS and THE SIDEHACKERS (aieeeee!!)! And not only that, it's shot in the Phillippines and features Nancy Kwan just like THE DEADLY AND THE BEAUTIFUL! Toss in a few bloody chickens and how can you go wrong?

So anyway, Ross plays a shit-kickin' Oregon pullet-pimp by the name of Seth Calhoun who's in Manila for the annual cockfighting olympics, we can't make this shit up. In the Pines cockfighting is not only legal, but they have an arena for it (complete with PEPSI banners) and chickenfighters from all over the globe are flying in to get a piece of "friendly", Seth's bad-ass motherfucker of a yard pheasant. Seth is immediately on the radar of the local chickenfighting heavy who sends the lovely Ms. Kwan to scope out the competition ("What is your opinion of the American?" "He has the largest cock I've ever seen.") but of course she is quickly enamored with this plucky foreigner because hes Ross Hagen for Christ's sake. This leads to a touching bar-room soliloquy by Seth which illustrates that, like all men, he really loves his cock.( "Have you ever seen a cock that dearly loves good red wine, ,fresh vegetables, and pretty women?")

By the way, if I listed every bad pun using the word "cock" contained in this film we'd have to dump the streaming video off the site for lack of room. Ahhh screw the video, here's but a few:

"Why are you throwing your cock against the wall? Won't you hurt it?"

"Do you have anything to declare?" "Nothing but my cock."

"When my cock smells blood, the fight is over"

"When did you know your cock was a champion?" "When he was just a little pecker."

"Would you like to come up to my room and meet my cock?"

"Your cock must be made of prime hard muscle and free of excess fat."

"One's cock must not only be strong, but look beautiful as well."

"Have you ever noticed that if your cock's dehydrated it turns into a dud?"

"Gentlemen! I would like to propose a toast to our cocks!"

The bad guy sets up a meeting with our hero to try to buy his....cock, but of course Seth refuses, and of course this leads to lots of low grade Bond-esque intrigue and gunfights and well, no car chases, but there is a horse-drawn carriage chase. I don't have to tell you that Kwan and Hagen end up in love but the lovingly filmed slow motion finale is something to see.

Yep, real live animals ripping and tearing the holy living shit out of each other just so Gus Trikonis could film an 80 minute penis joke. (Up yours Raging Bull!!). Friendly wins the big fight of course, and everyone is happy. Well, except for all the mortally wounded chickens.

8 piece box anyone? I'll have extra crispy.

Review from the All Movie website:

Don't be fooled by the packaging of this violent action-comedy's video release; despite its claims of "family fun" and an animated credit sequence, Fowl Play (originally released as Supercock) is not for children. Why anyone would assume that the brutal sport of cockfighting would be appropriate for the whole family is a headscratcher in itself, and the fact that the film gets barely subtle comic mileage out of the double meaning of the word "cock" further proves it was originally meant for adults. Director Gus Trikonis captures the seediness of his tropical setting, focusing on back alleys, crowded streets, and the dilapidated arena that hosts the tournament, and a climactic horse-and-buggy chase is an unintentional hoot. However, the main character's attempts at justifying his sport are weak at best, and despite his radical "affection training" the whole enterprise is ultimately just a way for him to bet heavily enough to avoid work. Of course, if the viewer has no qualms with cockfighting, then Fowl Play will appear to be just another lightweight, predictable drive-in picture, though the controversial nature of the subject will likely raise questions for most.

Dirty Games (1981)

1981 – Dirty Games (Movieworld)

[Philippines release date 23rd July 1981]

Director Leonardo Velasco Uy Screenplay Joe Abellana Cinematography Artemio Ongleo Music Ernani Cuenco Sound Rolly Ruta Editor Joe Mendoza

Cast Eddie Rodriguez, Christopher de Leon, Amalia Fuentes, Lorna Tolentino

The Killer vs Ninjas (1984)

1984 - The Killer vs Ninjas (Dove Productions – IMDB lists Artrium Film Production Co. Ltd.)

[Philippines release date 11th January 1984, original title “Pusakal”; sometimes listed as "Killer vs Ninja"]

Director Boots Plata Writer Tony Pascua Producer Lita A. Santos Executive Producer Lydia J. Trajano Cinematography Ricardo Jacinto Editor Ruben Natividad Makeup Artist Yolly Unabla Special Makeup Artist: Ms. Charito Solis Rey Salamat Assistant Makeup Artist Baby Caril Production Manager Rey Trajano Assistant Director Sócrates B. José Props Jun Benitez, Noel Luna, Donato Quilo Utility Sound Rolando Anastacio, Ver Anastacio Sound Effects Rodel Capule Sound Supervisor Bing De Santos Field Soundman Cirilo Pascua Boom Operator Narding Sta. Maria Special Effects Jun 'Gapo' Marbella Stunt Director Rey Sagum Fight Instructors Buddy de Leon, Frank Ramos, Boy Salvador, Rey Solo Electrician Felipe Badilla Assistant Camera/Camera Operator: Second Unit Eddie Buenaflor Animation Camera Operators Carlos Lacap, Oscar Manzon Clapper Loader Ricardo Manguni Stills Roger Peralta Animators/Title Designer Gay Buencamino, Manuel Buencamino Layout Artist Ed Santos Assistant Editors Danny Gloria, Toto Natividad Musical Director Boy Alcaide Unit Driver Benito Badiola Service Driver Rudy Balcita Crew Eddie Boy Badiola, Ricardo Dumigpi, Joe Gleabo, Manuel Manguni, Orlie Sta. Maria Production Coordinators Ed Castillo, Roger Santos Choreographer Rommel Feliciano

Cast Ace Vergel, Kristine Garcia, Myrna Velasco, Dick Israel, Rez Cortez, Lito Anzures, Eddie Arenas, Billy Arevalo, Joe Balagtas, Boy Briones, Tony Carreon, Jo Jo Castro, Nory Cenco, Ernie David, Lito de Guzman, Buddy de Leon, Paquito Diaz, Carmen Enriquez, Jun Escueta, Bella Flores, Buboy Francisco, Eric Francisco, Bobby Henzon, Jolly Jugueta, Japs Luna, Tony Martinez, Mitoy Mijares, Myra Monterz, Lito Navarro, Remy Nocum, Jun Ocampo, Bobby Orio, Ricardo 'Bebong' Osario, Mando Pangilinan, Fred Param, Tony Pascua, Danny Riel, “Chi Chi Salvador”/Ross Rival, Rudy Rivera, Renato Robles, Tan Ronald, Rey Sagum, Paquito Salcedo, Boy Salvador, Anthony San Juan, Roger Santos, Vic Santos, Larry Silva, Dennis Simbol, Charito Solis, Rey Solo, Lucita Soriano, Boy Sta. Maria, Danny Sta. Monica, “Bobby”/ Robert Talabis, Boy Ibanez

Review from the Internet Movie Database:

Young Amber lives with his mother, a back alley prostitute somewhere in the Philippines. He's subjected to daily abuse at the hands of the local kids and his teacher because he doesn't have a 'real' father, but one day, a kindly police officer adopts Amber and his mother and the new 'family' enjoys a modicum of domestic bliss. Alas, their happiness is only temporary, and after an unfortunate misunderstanding, Amber's new dad ends up dead. Flash forward ten years, and Amber is now a mustachioed small time hood--played by an actor who looks nothing like the child actor from the first reel--and his mother, crazed with grief, has been institutionalised. Amber is eager to make it big, and he accepts an assignment to assassinate a wheelchair bound gangland competitor. Having proved his worth by manfully killing a cripple, Amber moves on to bigger things and must confront Martinez, a man who controls a heavily armed army of black clad ninjas.

Ostensibly a Hong Kong production, the credited cast and crew of this low budget action feature is entirely Filipino. Ocean Shores video bears a 1989 copyright date and judging from the clothing and hairstyles, the film (titled The Killer vs. the Ninja on the tape) was almost certainly shot sometime in the Big 80s. There's an anachronistic disco scene to muddy the waters, however, so it's hard to pin down an exact production date. The confusing pre-credits sequence is a highlight reel of what follows, so unless you have a particular interest in the ups and downs of Amber's life, you'll have seen most of the good stuff in the first five minutes.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Primary Target (1988)

1988 - Primary Target (Concorde-New Horizons)

Director/Writer Clark Henderson Producer Isabel Sumayao Executive Producer Roger Corman Associate Producer Frederick Bailey Cinematography Austin McKinney Music Jeff Mar Editors Marc Tarnate, Joseph Zucchero, [uncredited] Clark Henderson Art Director Ricky Yu Costumes Lino Dalay, Ronni Martinez Sound Editor Jed M. Dodge

Cast John Calvin (Cromwell), Miki Kim (Pao), Joey Aresco (Frank Rosi), “Chip”/Charles Lucia (Jack Sturges), John Ericson (Phil Karlson), Colleen Casey (Mrs Karlson), Henry “Strzkowski”/Strzalkowski (Joe Lewis), Fred Bailey (Nyby), Leo Martinez (General Swai), Annabelle Roa (Mrs. Swai), Joonee Gamboa (Head Opium Smuggler), Pen Medina (Camp Director), Bernard Canaberal (Pirate Leader), Manny Roxas (Hmong Lieutenant)

Fred Adelman’s review from the Critical Condition website:

March 1977, Chiang Mei, Thailand: When the wife of rich industrialist Phil Karlson (John Ericson; FINAL MISSION - 1984) is kidnapped by rival Jack Sturges (Chip Lucia; SYNGENOR - 1990), he hires three ex-CIA operatives, Cromwell (John Calvin; TV's TALES OF THE GOLD MONKEY - 1982), Frank Rosi (Joey Aresco; CIRCLE OF FEAR - 1989) and Joe Lewis (Henry Strzalkowski; EQUALIZER 2000 - 1986) to save his wife and bring Sturges down. With a promise of $250,000 each, the trio (who are old friends and served in the same Army unit together) readily agree to take the job, especially when they find out Sturges is involved. Sturges also was a member of their old Army unit until he went bad and now smuggles heroin out of Laos. Knowing full well that Phil Karlson is a bagman for the CIA and that their mission smells a little fishy (Sturges may be a drug smuggler, but kidnapping a woman is out of character), the trio, along with a female guide named Pao (Miki Kim), begins their trek down river into Laos to free Mrs. Karlson (Colleen Casey). Along the way, Pao picks up an infant and everyone encounters enemy soldiers. They stop at a village, only to find that nearly all the villagers, including women and children, were viciously gunned-down in the center of town. Pao gives the baby to a young mother who just witnessed her baby being killed by heartless drug smugglers (It's a reasonable solution to a sticky situation). Frank is captured by the drug smugglers, tied to a cross and is tortured by being submerged in a lake while hanging upside down. Cromwell, Joe and Pao rush in and save Frank's ass, killing all the drug smugglers in a hail of automatic gunfire. They make it to Sturges' jungle compound, but it looks as if Pao (after just making love to Cromwell) has turned traitor and joined Sturges' side. To make matters worse, Sturges and Mrs. Karlson are actually lovers (the kidnapping was all a set-up to extort money from her husband), but our trio do manage to snatch her back and intend to complete their mission. Joe is seriously wounded during the "rescue" and dies, leaving Cromwell, Frank and Mrs. Karlson to hoof it by foot to their pick-up point. The finale finds Cromwell and Frank taking the side of Sturges and Mrs. Karlson when it is revealed that Phil Karlson is actually the drug smuggler and Sturges is only trying to help the locals, with the help of his lover, Mrs. Karlson. It's a crazy world we live in, isn't it?

This minor actioner, directed and written by Clark Henderson (WARLORDS FROM HELL - 1985; SAIGON COMMANDOS - 1987), tries too hard to be socially relevant (The plight of the poor locals, who have to deal with the drug smugglers, who use them as slave labor, as well as the brutal government who couldn't give a rat's ass about their well-being. Boo-frickin'-hoo!), but the film comes across rather flat and pedantic. Though some of the action scenes are very bloody (people are shot in the head; women and children are killed on-camera), this Philippines-lensed film seems overly familiar and stale. Even the twist ending is telegraphed early on and the death scenes have an over-reliance on using slow-motion (Henderson is no Peckinpah, that's for sure!). The only plus here is the easy chemistry between John Calvin (who would appear in the far-superior SIEGE OF FIREBASE GLORIA the next year), Joey Aresco and Henry Strzalkowski (a regular in the films of director Cirio H. Santiago). They seem quite comfortable in each other's company and their dialogue seems natural and unforced. That's little compensation for what amounts to be a miniscule footnote in Filipino action film history, though. A small ripple in an ocean of killer waves. Also starring Leo Martinez, Frederick Bailey, Annabelle Roa and Joonee Gamboa. Originally released on VHS by MGM/UA Home Video and not yet available on DVD.

Ultimax Force (1986)

1986 – Ultimax Force (F. Puzon Film Enterprises Inc)

[sometimes listed as “Ultimate Force”; released in Germany as “Ruckus 2: Unternehmen ‘Condor’”]

Director “Wilfred”/Willy Milan Writer “Joe Avalon”/Jose Mari Avellana Producer "Pierre"/Pio C. Lee Executive Producer Conrad C. “Boy” Puzon Cinematography Joe Tutanes Music Willie Cruz Editor Mark Tarnate Supervising Film Editor Amang Sanchez Casting Director Noel Mallonga, [uncredited] Eric Hahn Production Design Ronnie Cross Art Director Benjie Kamaya Special Effects Edilberto Naelgas Sound Supervisor Rolly Ruta Sound Effects Editors Jun Cabrales, Rudy Cabrales 1st Assistant Director Rick Tarmann 2nd Assistant Director Febe Matthew 1st Unit Cameraman Rambo Bautista 2nd Unit Cameraman Roy Sangco Script Continuity Joyce Almazan Production Manager Tiny Romero, Glenn Parian In-Charge of Production John Leoncio Stunt Coordinator Roland Falcis Wardrobe Alex Argente, Rosemarie Bell Makeup Francis Perez Props/Setting Danny Javier, Waldo Masconie Transportation Manager Arthur Amarante Location Manager Albert Amarante

Cast Arnold Nicholas (Chris Burton), Jeremy Ladd (Dick Foster), Patrick Scott, Vincent Giffin, Eric “Hahns”/Hahn (Lloyd Mitchum), Rey Vhen (Colonel Minh), Vivian Cheung, Henry Strzalkowski, Ronnie Patterson (Dr Death), Kermith Simpson (Captain David Morgan), Audrey Miller (Audrey), Sauro Cotoco VC Officers Arthur Tien, James Yu, Yan Tuyen, Alfred Wong DEA Agents Tony Williams, Joe Collins, Andy Roberts, Steve Rogers Master Joe Gruta Monks Koji Sakada, Akiko Kawasi, Tony Kawasi, Andy Matsuka VC Soldiers W Stuntmen, Shadow Stuntmen [uncredited] Brad Collins, Debbie Henson

Review from the “Return Of The Ninjas” website:

Tagline (taken from the UK DVD): Missing in action and presumed dead, Captain Dave Morgan turns up alive in a Vietnamese prisoner of war camp. He has been able to send word out – but help better came quickly before the sadistic Colonel Minh, who runs the hellish internment stockade, succeeds in breaking Morgan’s body and spirit. Getting into Vietnam through the backdoor is easy enough, with the help of gunrunning soldiers of fortune but trying to ferret out the phantom POW camps, rescuing half dead prisoners and getting them out of ‘Nam is a pipe dream. No one has ever escaped from Colonel Minh’s hell hole and lived to tell the tale. That’s the kind of challenge Chris Burton and his boys look forward to. The Ultimate Maximum. Armed with their Ninja skills, forged on them by their Sensei Hiroshi; thirty-sixth direct descendant of the Iga-Ninja, Chris Burton, Dick Foster, Bill Norton and Mike Dobson form what mercenaries dub ‘The Ultimax Force” – what Colonel Minh will call the ‘Curse Of The Foreign Devils’. Fate has destined this final confrontation between Burton and Minh and there is no stopping now, the one-on-one that began years ago in the jungles of ‘Nam is now about to resume. Try as he might to prevent it by moving camp and sending out his elite blocking forces against the rescue party, Minh realises that his time is running out and that the unfinished duel between him and Burton will have to be brought to an end – death to the loser…

Aaaahhh… the 1980s! The sheer unbelievable Ninja craze! More cheap but cheerful Namsploitation flicks you can shake a severed foot at! Insane post-nuke mayhem! Yeah, those were the days… Enter Wilfred (aka Willie) Milan. In 1986 the auteur behind such cinematic Filipino gems (well, not really) as MAD WARRIOR (1985) and W IS WAR (either 1983 or 1986 – depending on which source you believe) – two lesser known entries into the crazy post-nuke cycle initiated by George Miller’s MAD MAX 2 – THE ROAD WARRIOR (1981) – tried his hands on a movie that mixes two of those very promising subgenres in order to make some quick cash. It’s Ninjas in Vietnam this time, and although this sounds too good to be true, ULTIMAX FORCE falls a bit short of my expectations. Perhaps you remember Cirio H. Santiago’s hugely entertaining action nonsense NAM ANGELS (aka HELL’S ANGELS IN VIETNAM, 1989), that has got quite a similar concept, but is ultimately more satisfying. In Santiago’s case a few ultra-tough members of the rocker gang Hell’s Angels go to Vietnam to rescue a bunch of prisoners, and this film works so well because no one (neither the makers nor the cast members) takes this ludicrous concept too seriously. By way of contrast ULTIMAX FORCE seems to be deadly serious in all respects. It tells the story of four Ninjas who search for one of their friends who is held prisoner in Vietnam by a sadistic camp commander. Will our tough-as-nails heroes manage to free their friend before he rots in one of those dirty hell-holes? Much to my surprise they fail, thanks to the evil Colonel Minh who prefers shooting his prisoners before the rescue team arrives, but that’s about the only original point in this cliché-ridden, lowbrow action flick. The characters are so extremely one-dimensional (particularly Arnold Nicholas as stone-faced leader Chris Burton and Rey Vhen as mean, arrogant Colonel Minh) that they make John Rambo look like the most complex character on earth.

Produced by Pierre C. Lee and written by Joe Avalon, ULTIMAX FORCE is at least good if dumb fun, provided that you lower your expectations immensely. PLATOON (1986) it ain’t – it has much more in common with the MISSING IN ACTION trilogy (1984 - 1988), only cheaper, sillier, and less spectacular. So our Ninjas (who have really cool names like Chris Burton, Dick Foster, Bill Norton and Mike Dobson) stroll through the jungles, talk stupid things and bump off Vietcongs by the dozens. Not in that order, necessarily. Mostly they rely on their machine guns to wipe out their enemies, but sometimes they also use grenades, chains and – of course – their swords. There are a few shootouts (often spiced up with the sight of unfortunate men being riddled with bullets), punch-ups, fights and explosions, but it’s neither spectacular nor the least bit memorable. Sure, it’s entertaining, in a naïve, trashy way, but it’s far from being great. At least ULTIMAX FORCE is a real Ninja movie, in contrast to all those chaotic Joseph Lai/Godfrey Ho/Tomas Tang patchwork flicks. The British DVD has got a very poor picture quality, and – to add insult to injury – it is supposed to be cut too! ULTIMAX FORCE was also released on tape in Germany on the Mike Hunter label under the title RUCKUS 2 – UNTERNEHMEN: “CONDOR”. For whatever reason they wanted to make us believe that it is a sequel to the action flick RUCKUS (1981) that stars Exorcist-babe Linda Blair. ULTIMAX FORCE is good, undemanding fun, shot on a low budget, with no redeeming values whatsoever. In other words: eighty minutes of stupid entertainment, no more, no less.

Sic Coyote's review from the Internet Movie Database:

The scrolling text at the start of the movie gives a background story very much like Cobra Mission. POWs are still being held in Vietnam and being killed & tortured all the time. So a crack team of ninja commandos (sic) are sent off to bring one of their friends back who's still being held captive. After gathering the information and equipment they need they are flown out and set on their quest to free the captives.

The film starts up with some very cheap titles and music with is kind of cool really(in my opinion) quite like Bad Taste's score. Then we get treated to a quite well choreographed ninja fight sequence with kitanas. Although not making to much sense it does serve as a nice intro to the film. Then we have the rest of the film of them going through jungle shooting up the enemy jumpin about and throwing grenades. There's action, treachery, more action, more treachery which all leads up to a literally explosive conclusion.

This is a quite fun film, although not brilliantly done it manages to fill itself out with plenty of varied action and you don't get bored watching it. Plus unlike quite a few films the ending is not a total let down but actually is very cool.

I've never seen this available on video anywhere except for the one copy I have so I'm guessing that it's quite obscure, one to add to my list of totally obscure (English language) films. See this if you can and if you don't expect to much from it, you'll have a good time. 8/10

Mad Warrior (1984)

1984 – Mad Warrior (JPM Productions)

[Philippines release date 4th January 1984, also known as "Mad Warriors" and released on UK VHS as “Clash Of The Warlords” – onscreen title “Clash Of Warlords”]

Director Willie Milan Title Design Ed Rohr Soundman Fred Manoza Assistant Camera Boy Anao Clapper Danny Caburnay Boomman Max Stabillo Electrician Nardo Taytayon Crew Mario Caburnay, Bobby Ramon Estabillo Wardrobe Waldo Masconi Liason Officer Manolo Maglaya Fight Instructors Jay Grama, Linda Castro Assistant Editors Bonifacio Brien, Ever Ramos, Nelen Rampar Stills Willy Anao Makeup Mely Sioson Schedule Master Lito “Extra” Manuel Effectsman Edilberto Naelgas Setman Emeng Eslaban Utilitymen Johnny & Totto Prosthetic Makeup Cecile Baun

Cast Anthony Alonzo, Jennifer Kirkham, Johnny Monteiro, Willie Williams, Gabby Farro (Maria), Robert “Marios”/Marius (Malsam), Tom Romano, Rey De Gusman, Ching Zabala, Waldo Masconi, Ading Montalban, Fred Esplana, Jay Grama, Mel Arca, Alex Bolado, Linda Castro, "W Stuntmen", Paul Vance, Edward Bronett, Andy Peterson, Robert Benson, Tony Rocha, David Light, Hardy Oppoua, Rommel Valdez, Max Laurel, Sonny Erang, Rusty Santos, Boy Ibanez, Teresa Hunt, Joan Durst, Avi Seetaky, Robert Miller, Jimmy Santos, Romy Nario

Fred Adelman’s review from the Critical Condition website:

CLASH OF THE WARLORDS (1985) - In this sequel to director Willie Milan's W (aka: W IS WAR - 1983), warrior Rex (Willy Williams) is forced to fight his best friend gladiator style in an arena by evil warlord Malsam (Robert Marios), who is holding Rex's young son prisoner and will only free him if Rex kills his friend. When Rex kills his friend and Malsam renegs on his deal, he and his son escape with the help of a friendly female. Malsam orders his men to recapture Rex and his son (He says, "Find them and don't come back until you find them!" What!?!), but the trigger-happy henchmen kill Rex's son and the helpful female when warrior Maria (Gabby Parro) comes out of nowhere to help Rex fight the bad guys. As Rex and Maria walk through the post-nuked terrain, they are captured by a group of people and led to the town of Opulus, where Maria is reunited with her long-lost father Zeus, a scientist who is working on a cure for radiation poisoning. We also find out that Malsam is afflicted with a strange disease where he begins to mutate every time he looks at the moon (When he sees the moon one night, he tells his men, "Take it away and I'll cover it in blood!" Double what!?! Some of his men turn to each other and say, "He has a devil inside him!" and "He's not just crazy. He's a lunatic!"). Malsam will not rest until Rex is dead, so he hires a band of beefy warriors to capture Rex and bring him back, which they do (without very much trouble at all). Rex must fight a series of battles in the arena, each one more dangerous than the last. Just when things begin looking grim for Rex, Maria shows up with a "Liquidation Squad", an army of rocket launcher and machine gun-carrying men who help Rex defeat Malsam's men. The rest of the film is just a series of gunfights and explosions until Rex confronts Malsam for a lightsaber duel (!), where Rex quickly defeats Malsam (he explodes into a million little pieces when Rex cuts him in half with the lightsaber!) and Maria and Rex share a passionate kiss before Rex jumps on his horse and heads off on another adventure, which audiences never got to see (because it was never filmed). Maybe he died of radiation poisoning.

This is strictly lower-tier Filipino action cinema that's pretty rough going for the viewer. I guess it would help to view the first film (which I didn't at the time of this review), but I really doubt if it would make a big difference. The Greek subtitled version I viewed edits out most of the gory footage and the English dubbing is so bad, it's almost surreal. Most of the impalements, axe fights (which seems to be the weapon of choice here) and gun battles end abruptly and those edits get quite annoying after a short period of time. We don't watch these films for the storylines, you know, so editing out all the gore kind of defeats the whole purpose of watching it in the first place. I'm sure director Willie Milan (ULTIMAX FORCE - 1986) didn't mean for this film to be as awful as this edition makes it out to be, but the atrocious dubbing (the word "arena" is pronounced "areener" and the dubbing crew can't seem to make up their minds if Gabby Parro's character name is "Maria" or "Reya") and lack of bloody violence in this version makes it a tough sitting for the viewing audience, even if it's only 73 minutes long. The only interesting (and weird) points this film has to offer are Malsam's aversion to the moon (which is quickly dropped) and counting how many times you spot people standing around in a circle (which is a lot!). Also starring Tom Romano, Rey De Gusman, Teresa Hunt, Joan Durst, Ching Zabala, Waldo Masconi and the "W Stuntmen". Also known as MAD WARRIOR. A Video Memory Release. Not Rated.

Michael Petch's review from the Post-Apocalypse website:

After seeing the DVD cover on eBay, I had to buy a copy. 23rd Century, well-known purveyors of the most basic region 0 DVD's, have released a poor-quality extras free DVD that you can pick up on eBay for a few pounds if you're lucky. I was....

At times like this I realise how reliant on the internet I am for information. Trying to research this movie I have fallen flat on my face. It was tough to find information on Death Run (external review), but this is in another league. Apart from one or two message board requests here and there, nobody seems to know where this is from or when it was made. I looked and looked and finally found a tiny bit of information from the British Film Institute website. Additionally I have been sent scans that confirm the film has also been titled Mad Warrior (scans at the bottom of the page).

Lets firstly clear up, or at least try to clear up, some of the big questions:

Where? The very end credits thank the Hoyop Hoyopan Cave, which is in the Philippines. This makes lots of sense as loads of PA's hail from that country. Camp John Hay is also thanked. This was an American Air Force 'rest and recreation' base until the Americans handed it back to the Philippeans in 1991. It's now a holiday resort.

Who? Well that’s a tough question. All the names sound very English and none show up when searched on IMDB or Google. All pseudonyms, I'm sure. Finally I found a picture from my collection of saved PA scans that I have built up over the past couple of months. I found a selection of foreign PA boxes a while back on a random message board, and one, Mad Warrior, has the same art work as Clash of the Warlords. It appears they are the same film. Searching for Mad Warrior threw up a link at the BFI with some genuine names. The director and actors have all done other film work, though nothing much worth mentioning apart from Robert Marius. I don't know who he plays here but he's also in Warriors of the Apocalypse (1985).

When? The credits and the box are no help but again the BFI comes to the rescue. 1985, it claims.

Why? You’re on the wrong website if you're asking this question (although some may say films are produced to make money).

And that's the total sum of everything I know about the making of this film, but I did watch it, and I have lots to tell...

The beginning of the film gives a good forewarning of the quality of things to come, the music started and I was immediately impressed. A lively synth and electric guitar combo. Unfortunately what we see isn't so impressive. A black explosion cloud is seen moving up for a second and then it freezes. After a few seconds, the Clash of the Warlords title card flashes up for a couple of seconds over the explosion. Then we're treated to three minutes of the freeze frame explosion and nothing more. Honestly, it’s a freeze frame picture and music for three minutes! Obviously there were originally some credits here that were too foreign for us to handle. If it wasn't for the music, I would have been annoyed. I actually found it rather amusing, unlike the beginning of Exterminators of the Year 3000 where the opening titles were intact but missing the music.

The music is pretty good throughout, but I fear it has been stolen from somewhere else because throughout the film it cuts out during scene changes and sometimes randomly. It's really obvious and spoils the mood constantly.

We open to a gladiatorial arena setting. Don't expect a grand arena though, this is just a circle surrounded by logs. People are standing around watching a fight in the arena. The combatants have short axe type weapons and everybody is dressed in black. I will find it easier to call this group the Warlords. The Warlords are commanded by a fruit cake called Malsam who wears a metal mask over half of his face to cover up radiation scars.

Mustachioed Rex wins the fight. The crowd all chant "Kill him!" and Malsam gives the thumbs-down sign. Rex hesitates but eventually kills the loser. "I'm not at all satisfied,” claims Malsam, "what I want you to do is kill your best friend." If you think Malsam's insane now, just wait till later! Rex's best friend is brought into the arena. His young son is watching him and he knows that he must fight to save his son and get his freedom. Rex easily kills his friend. Everyone laughs at him but blond beauty Reya consoles him, "Bravo, your great". Nice.

It turns out that Malsam lied and Rex is not freed. That night Rex is sitting in his tent with his young kid, who is asleep. Malsam’s woman Tanya goes to see Rex. She like Rex and promises to help him escape “If…” and then she starts to unfasten her top. After what seems an age of unfastening she finally takes her top off, and at that very second the camera cuts to behind her, so you don't see anything even though your sure you were about to. If that poor kid wakes up he's going to develop some psychological problems from this.

We cut to the next day and see Rex, Tanya and the kid running through your mandatory mine setting. Keep an eye on Tanya as she has a hilarious run. I wonder why Rex needed Tanya’s help to get away? Malsam is obviously pissed – his best fighter and best woman have escaped. “Find them, and don’t come back until you’ve found them! They can’t hide forever, this island's too small”. Island? Hmm.

So off heads a group of Warlords on horseback, fronted by the crappest post-apocalyptic vehicle ever. It’s a tricycle with armor. After a minute or two of chase footage, the Warlords catch up to Rex and Co. In a horribly staged scene, the child and Tanya don't turn to face the attackers. This is to allow a planned special effect to work. They are both shot in the back with some kind of poisoned dart or something. Rex is about to be captured when Reya arrives up on the hillside. She has a machine gun and shoots, scaring off the Warlords. Rex is obviously pretty distraught and walks off with his dead son in his arms, Reya fallowing. Nobody seems to care about poor Tanya who is just left where she died. It turns out Reya misses her father, who disappeared somewhere. Yeah, he just disapeared. That's all the explanation I got, so that's all you're getting.

Meanwhile, in a tent laboratory filled with bubbling chemicals, the lead scientist has found a cure for wounds caused by atomic radiation. Is that even slightly possible? At first I thought this lab was at the Warlords' base, but soon enough we realise that it actually belongs to the other big group on the island.

Rex and Reya end up walking through a forest and are soon captured by this other group. They don’t have a name, but I was calling them "the browns" because they all wear brown, as appose to the Warlords in black. It turns out that the top scientist guy is Reya’s long-lost father so they are welcomed into the group. It turns out Reya has a damaged arm. Dad can soon fix that. “It’s just a minor infection caused by radiation”.

Time now for a blurry slow motion flashback. Rex’s wife is dead in a shallow stream. His kid is there and they are surrounded by Warlords. No wonder he hates them.

The browns' camp is a pretty place in the woods. Theses are obviously the good guys. Just like at the Warlords base there are always people moving around. The director has overcompensated for his lack of cast by getting people to march around at all times. In the Warlords' camp there are ALWAYS groups of people running around in the background, and most likely changing direction as soon as they are off-screen and running back, pretending to be other people. This technique is severely overused. We can tell are only 40 or so actors. Why would there be so much hustle and bustle? Still, it's fun to see people running around for no reason and with no actual military precision or timing.

Anyway, they all seem to be preparing for war. The Browns are play-fighting and the Warlords are sharpening axes and training on throwing deadly Frisbees. We even see that the Warlords actually have two armored bikes, although we only ever see one moving. The Browns then move up a step and start training with rocket launchers.

Around this point the tape screws up for a second or two. That’s right; I’m watching a DVD version, but the original tape the DVD was made from screws up. Poor quality control! Talking of quality, some of the footage looks OK, and other parts look poor. It’s like it was filmed on two totally different cameras (which is probably not far from the truth). Just when you think the training montage is over, there's one final treat. The Professor shows up and takes out his lightsaber. That’s right, his lightsaber. It seems this guy really is a genius. He switches it on and has a swing. Oddly, it hits something invisible and there's a little explosion but the scene cuts away milliseconds after the hit. Bizarre and crap looking, but enjoyably unexpected.

Now remember earlier when I said that Malsam would get madder? Well it appears he doesn’t like the moon (unlike the woman in Empire of Ash who loved it). He comes out of his tent and shouts for his right hand man, “Azim, the moon is getting full!” He rants, “Take it away from me, get it away!” and he continues to moan, “Not possible Malsam” claims Azim. Malsam goes one step further, “I’ll cover it in blood, I need fresh blood!”.

Malsam continues to rant crazily. Not far away, his men are talking about how crazy he is. They all think he's a lunatic, so why do they all follow his orders? It’s just as weird as the Hog in Deadly Reactor. Soon enough the film goes from weird to weirder. Malsam is chained up, without his mask (revealing radiation scarring and a fake eye make-up) and is surrounded by a circle of his men with flares. He howls and moans. “He’s not just crazy, he’s a lunatic!” claims one of his men. Absolute madness.

The next day we have a lot more training. The Browns sure love to fight with each other. Rex tells Reya that that she's too young for him (he has a mustache for goodness sake) and that he has a mission. Strangely the Warlords capture a few Browns and Malsam and his men sneak up on the Browns base. Malsam has a look at the Browns who are all too busy training to notice anybody sneaking up. For some reason, Malsam decides to go back to his base. He wants to kill Rex in the arena. Later that night Malsam has some sicko sex with some random woman outdoors while all his men are lined up in front facing away.

The next day Rex decides to leave the camp and kisses Reya before he goes. Over at the Warlords' camp, we find out that they need to fight because all their land is ruined from the radiation and they can’t grow food. Can’t they all just make friends? In a superb little scene, Malsam and Azim are walking between two ranks of men with spears. The troops move their spears out of the way as Malsam and Azim walk towards the camera.

Unfortunately the troops don’t seem to have practiced the technique very much and there are spears removed early and some not removed at all. One guy simply forgets altogether and another decides to wiggle his back and forwards a couple of times. Classic. Malsam is still angry that Rex escaped. Some guy turns up at their base with a selection of tough gladiators for hire. Malsam wants them for his arena for when he manages to capture Rex.

It turns out that Rex went into hiding in the mountains. A group of Warlords turn up, they have a bit of a chase and Rex is captured. Back at the Browns' camp, the commander is debating whether to attack the Warlords or not. “Thousands of our warriors could lose their lives.” he claims. What? Thousands? Ridiculous. He also mentions something about a “liquidation squad”. I don’t know what that was about but it sounded good. Reya continues to persuade the commander that it's is the right thing to do.

Rex, and another guy who was also captured, are taken to the arena and meet face-to-face with Malsam. “You're crazy, Malsam!” claims Rex. “You mean you never knew? Ha ha ha ha!” is his reply. At least he accepts his madness.

Time now for some explanations. It turns out Rex’s father killed Malsam’s father, and Malsam killed Rex’s father. Got that? Now he wants to kill Rex. To start, Rex and the other guy fight four of the hired gladiators in the ring. Not a bad fight but it includes some pointless slow-motion camera work.

Soon the gladiators are all finished and the new guy and Rex are forced to fight to get a chance to fight Malsam. Rex obviously wins. He's about to kill the guy but he throws his axe at Malsam, who immediately shoots it down with a laser. Quite good. Meanwhile, the Browns are preparing for their attack. They fire off a load of rockets, blowing up Malsam’s silver bubble tents. Also quite good! Malsam runs down some secret entrance into some caves hidden under one of the tents. Cut to a ton of shooting, fighting and general chaos where the Browns have the clear upper hand as the Warlords don't seem to be able to shoot straight. Reya and Rex team up and head into the caves with a troop of the Browns. Even in the caves there are plenty of troops pointlessly marching about in any old direction.

After a whole load of fighting Rex and Reya finally make it to the heart of the caves where Malsam has his throne-room type place. It's filled with ground fog from noisy flares. Malsam’s last wild card? A red lightsaber! Oh yes, it's time for a lightsaber duel. These things sound and look crap but it’s a superb moment.

Eventually Rex wins and Malsam explodes when the blade hits him (strange - is he made of explosives?). Rex and Reya kiss and they all head back home, but it seems like Rex doesn’t want to stay with the Browns. It isn’t explained at all but he heads off on a horse in your quintessential PA ending. If they really are on a small island, I wonder where he's off to? Why do PA heroes always leave to be on their own? Just to give us one extra thing to laugh at, the very final scene sees Rex talking to some of the Browns on his horse, except all the dialogue is cut out. His mouth is moving but there's just music playing! And that’s the end, followed by a few credits and thanks.

Final Thoughts: This movie is pretty bad. The production values are shocking and the editing is poor. Despite this, I still had a lot of fun. There was a lot to laugh about and it was fun, which is more than can be said about a lot of bigger-budget PA’s. If you have seen a lot of post-apocalyptic films before, and enjoy the rubishness, then this is highly recommended, just don’t blame me if you think it's awful.